Back At Your Door

The accidental meeting that ruined my life

I realize the title is dramatic, but I stand by it, its true. I was not supposed to meet my ex boyfriend. None of the things that happened in the last three years were supposed to happen to me. But they did and people keep telling me the same exact thing “Everything happens for a reason”. I don’t blame them; if the roles were reversed I would say the same thing. The only thing is, I’ve decided that this is utter bullshit. Whats the reason for being psychologically damaged by a guy who was more clingy than an infant to his mothers tit? 

When I met the Bastard I was eighteen and a complete moron apparently. He was so wrong in everything he thought about family religion and education, three things that I knew inside and out. I had to fix him. I had to. Nothing could have stopped me from “helping” him. I had to get him to believe in God like I did and make him respect his family and grow ambition in him to succeed in school. I had to. Somehow I got sucked into his crazy life and instead of fixing him, he destroyed me. I pushed away the three things that had defined my life up to this point and in its place I put him, the Bastard was the center of my life and I became obssesed.

He was not good for me. He did not treat me well. I was sad and hurt a LOT. I have no idea now why I did not leave. Its like remembering a particularly sad movie that I would like to forget ever having watched. The first year was rocky with trust issues. The second was almost worse. And then there was a break in the storm and I thought all my hard work at “fixing” him had payed off. The three things were basically all in order. For him anyways. At this point he was so intertwined in my life I thought about him more than I thought about myself. After 2 and a half years of taking care of him I finally thought it was safe to need him to be there for me in return. I asked a huge favor of him. And then another. And the more I depended on him to come through for me on those favors, the more he pushed away from me. He became distant and suddenly it was hard to even get a hold of him to talk to. Suddenly our plans of getting engaged were just not possible. And the long distant relationship we were going to be in because of the colleges we were transfering to was also not going to happen. Why? Because he didn’t know how to be in a long distance relationship. He broke up with me. I was devestated.

I cannot even put in words how sad and hurt I was. I cannot dwell on it long without feeling sorry for myself. And I’ve done far too much of that lately. 2 weeks after breaking up with me, he wanted me back. I was so relieved. I was disoriented without him, the person I had come to rely on for everything. I needed him. As I said before, he was the center of my world and him leaving was like an apocolypse to me. When he came back to me it was like a validation; he needed me too and of course he still loved me, he never stopped. He was just being stupid. We were soulmates, he loved the way I looked at him like he was the only man on Earth. Those were the words the Bastard used. We were talking again like it was when we first got together all those years ago. But I was wary. I knew the other shoe was going to drop sooner or later.

After 2 weeks of this weird state of being psuedo back together he left for an out of state wedding. He promised to keep in touch. Calling, skype, facebook, anything he could to keep in touch with me. I was pleased. This meant that he did know how to be in a long distance relationship. He called and texted, commented on my pictures. I was pleased.

And then there was silence. For days on end until I finally understood and asked him a question.

Who are you talking to?

And the Bastard replied: “I’m not cheating on you, but I am getting to know someone”

I was crushed. I called and asked over and over again. Getting to know who? I needed answers even though I knew what they were.

He called finally and told me he’s had a change of heart. His voice that soothed my anger and pain so many times in the past was now telling me that he thought he could better than me. That he had never been truly happy with me. He said this realization had nothing to do with the girl. I doubt that very much.

So that brings me up to the present and back to my point. What the fuck was the reason that happened? In what way did this make me better or stronger? I feel used and angry and yea maybe a little bitter. But I do NOT feel stronger. I feel no comfort in the thought that I was put through a realtionship from Hell just to have the guy dump me for some girl he met in another state after a week of knowing her (btw hows he going to make that one work when he cant even handle an in-state long distance relationship?!)

The bright side is, I’m not hurt anymore, I’m pissed. I can’t believe I let a leech take over my life. I’ve never hated anyone as much as I hate him.

But there’s nothing I can do about him now. He’s beyond my help. The relief I feel at not being hurt by him anymore far out-ways any lingering feelings I might have for him.

And all there is left to do now is move on with my life.

He spoke and she smiled.

He asked a question and she answered positively. 

He continued to speak even though he could see her eyes glaze over the second she felt it wasn’t necessary to hear him anymore.

He sees she is not with him anymore and is hurt.

He asks am I boring you? And of course she says no.

For some reason this satisfies him and he continues to speak as she continues to let her mind wander.

This game of polite boredom and self-centered conversation plays on with each person acknowledging the others discomfort as quickly as they disregard it.